I can’t remember many instances where I’ve been benched by a girl, but it’s been pretty easy to benchthem.” Part of what makes benching so attractive is its plausible deniability.In a city where you can run into the guy who Gchat-dumped you or the jerk who ghosted after two months of dating, benching passes the sidewalk-run-in test exquisitely.
It’d be one thing if we were occasionally hanging out (or even becoming fuck buddies), but that never happened.I’d invite him over, but his phone always “died omg so sorry.” Every time I was ready to dismiss him, though, he’d find some way to make his presence known.No, he corrects me, there is always someone doing the benching and someone being benched. “In a romantic scenario, you’re not going to go along with this unless you want to actually date the bencher. ’ But that’s literally sales 101: Ask questions so the buyer thinks you think they’re interesting.” Some might call it gaslighting, but benchers suffering from nice-guy syndrome may not even be trying to exploit the situation.If I were to pull this on someone who’s over the idea, he just wouldn’t respond. Conor, a 28-year-old law student in New York, says he’s often ignored advances from females in his life — but will continue to text and “spend time” with them while at school or in the workplace.Or he’ll agree to a date knowing that a day or two before he’ll find some way to cancel.
I wonder aloud if Billy and his dates are benching each other, having reached a mutual understanding that the planned meetings will never take place (e.g., the polite veneer of making drink plans with former co-workers we run into on Bleecker Street).The benchee is complicit because he wants Jean, a 31-year-old writer living in New York, thinks women are falling for the bencher’s perceived niceness. “I won’t actually hang out one-on-one because I want to avoid any confusion for her about my interests,” he says, “but I’ll still text with her, often a few days after those botched plans.“The guys who’ve benched me are always doing the ‘How are you? She’ll say something like, ‘You’re too busy for me,’ and I’ll laugh and change the subject.If you’re ghosted, you get to go through all the stages of grief.But when someone disappears and then continues to text you, you don’t even get that.“If I’m not forced to make that decision, then I won’t. ’” Benchers will tell you that their behavior is a way to put a relationship on hold, to hit pause before deciding how they really want to play it.